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my cousin died this morning.
friedrich.
he was alive for a whole half an hour.
it really puts life in perspective.
Current Mood: 
cold
coldLeave a comment
Cluttered Thoughts
26 August 2007 @ 03:29 pm
07 August 2007 @ 08:49 am
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
thats kind of all i have to say.
i thought we were friends.
but the shit you do to me, you would only do it if you hated me.
but, im sick of being your doormat.
im sick of letting the world walk all over me.
i dont care if im being childish.
because thats a part of my personality. if you dont like it, thats not my problem.
thats kind of all i have to say.
i thought we were friends.
but the shit you do to me, you would only do it if you hated me.
but, im sick of being your doormat.
im sick of letting the world walk all over me.
i dont care if im being childish.
because thats a part of my personality. if you dont like it, thats not my problem.
26 June 2007 @ 07:46 pm
22 June 2007 @ 12:12 pm
goodbye hell.
hello germany. i leave in 2 hrs. woooooooooooooooooo.
i hope inever see "you" again.
hello germany. i leave in 2 hrs. woooooooooooooooooo.
i hope inever see "you" again.
14 June 2007 @ 03:07 pm
i dont like you.
ive never liked you.
i dont understand how anyone could ever like you.
but i guess ive always been mistaken about myself.
ive never liked you.
i dont understand how anyone could ever like you.
but i guess ive always been mistaken about myself.
Current Mood: 
crushed
crushed12 June 2007 @ 09:17 pm
dear you,
im sorry i still care about you. i know youd rather i didnt. but i cant help it.
im sorry i got in your way, ill try to sidestep when our paths cross again.
im sorry i was perfect for only a week, but i guess lifes just a bitch.
today i figured something out though,
the more time i spend weaving my own reality, the less real this all seems.
i think id rather live pretending than to feel like im dying.
i dont know how to handle this.
i dont know what im turning into.
everything i said was a lie.
everything i am, is only part of what ive dreamt.
everything ive dreamt, is becoming more and more like a nightmare.
the symbolic chirpping birds, have become demons, and right as they turn to catch me, they vanish.
problem is, i really dont think i want them to.
but back to my apology,
im sorry that you hate me
and im sorry that i still want to change that.
im sorry i still care about you. i know youd rather i didnt. but i cant help it.
im sorry i got in your way, ill try to sidestep when our paths cross again.
im sorry i was perfect for only a week, but i guess lifes just a bitch.
today i figured something out though,
the more time i spend weaving my own reality, the less real this all seems.
i think id rather live pretending than to feel like im dying.
i dont know how to handle this.
i dont know what im turning into.
everything i said was a lie.
everything i am, is only part of what ive dreamt.
everything ive dreamt, is becoming more and more like a nightmare.
the symbolic chirpping birds, have become demons, and right as they turn to catch me, they vanish.
problem is, i really dont think i want them to.
but back to my apology,
im sorry that you hate me
and im sorry that i still want to change that.
05 June 2007 @ 09:45 am
our world really sucks sometimes. as much as i love living in it, things could be so much better.
"in a perfect world that car would be parked straight"-kristi.
especially in america, everyone is overly materalistic.
i got a 200 dollar purse from my grandma, why do i need it? i have enough purses, and i get them all for less than 20 at target.
besides that, have you seen people in america today? if youre overweight cool. why is it such a big deal? everyone has different body types and it really annoys me that people are so horrible about it. i will never be a size 3. oh well. that doesnt change the fact that im attractive in other ways.
and why are we still at war? i reeeally dont understand the whole "we cant pull our troops out now" yes you can. let the u.n. take over in a more peaceful way. it makes more sense.
idk. i felt like ranting.
people are stupid.
"in a perfect world that car would be parked straight"-kristi.
especially in america, everyone is overly materalistic.
i got a 200 dollar purse from my grandma, why do i need it? i have enough purses, and i get them all for less than 20 at target.
besides that, have you seen people in america today? if youre overweight cool. why is it such a big deal? everyone has different body types and it really annoys me that people are so horrible about it. i will never be a size 3. oh well. that doesnt change the fact that im attractive in other ways.
and why are we still at war? i reeeally dont understand the whole "we cant pull our troops out now" yes you can. let the u.n. take over in a more peaceful way. it makes more sense.
idk. i felt like ranting.
people are stupid.
Current Mood: 
annoyed
annoyedCurrent Music: armor for sleep.
04 June 2007 @ 08:33 am
so it was pretty amazing.
after most people left.
lol.
we stayed up till like..6 am. which is never a good idea. but we watched grandmas boy and jawbreaker and 10 things i hate about you..btw i claim heath ledger. yeah. hes mine.=] and we danced like idiots. then everyone left besides kathryn and we just chilled. wooo. and after she left i did the family thing. which.. my dad got me the coolest shirt. kathryn will see it today when i come over wearing it.
and i decided, after seeing my neighbors car and becoming hysterical, theres nothing more i can do. and i have to accept that. as good of friends as we were, i cant make him want to be my friend anymore. and as much as i want to be there for him right now, i honestly just cant.
now im listening to the cd kristin made me last summer, and i really really miss her. its crazy how something as small as a cd can make me cry. but i love her to pieces and i know shell always be one of my best friends no matter how many fights we get in. thats just how we roll.
E>s.
after most people left.
lol.
we stayed up till like..6 am. which is never a good idea. but we watched grandmas boy and jawbreaker and 10 things i hate about you..btw i claim heath ledger. yeah. hes mine.=] and we danced like idiots. then everyone left besides kathryn and we just chilled. wooo. and after she left i did the family thing. which.. my dad got me the coolest shirt. kathryn will see it today when i come over wearing it.
and i decided, after seeing my neighbors car and becoming hysterical, theres nothing more i can do. and i have to accept that. as good of friends as we were, i cant make him want to be my friend anymore. and as much as i want to be there for him right now, i honestly just cant.
now im listening to the cd kristin made me last summer, and i really really miss her. its crazy how something as small as a cd can make me cry. but i love her to pieces and i know shell always be one of my best friends no matter how many fights we get in. thats just how we roll.
E>s.
Current Mood: 
cheerful
cheerfulCurrent Music: aqua.
30 May 2007 @ 02:02 pm
30 May 2007 @ 09:02 am
so uh...i feel like im dying.
a lot actually, and if i was..well, that would in fact be utterly amzing.
because im definately not capable of handling any of this.
and yeah.
im definately done with boys, ALL boys.
and im actually thinking about just not celebrating my birthday.
woo, i survived another seemingly unbearable year.
go me.
i hate you.
i hate me.
someone please put the sun away.
its making it so much worse to believe that its real.
that this is my life and there are no faeries or vampires to come and save me from everything.
i just want this to be a dream.
all of this.
i want to start over.
a lot actually, and if i was..well, that would in fact be utterly amzing.
because im definately not capable of handling any of this.
and yeah.
im definately done with boys, ALL boys.
and im actually thinking about just not celebrating my birthday.
woo, i survived another seemingly unbearable year.
go me.
i hate you.
i hate me.
someone please put the sun away.
its making it so much worse to believe that its real.
that this is my life and there are no faeries or vampires to come and save me from everything.
i just want this to be a dream.
all of this.
i want to start over.
Current Mood: 
sick
sick27 May 2007 @ 08:33 pm
yesterday was amazing.
went to the mall with hayley and kathryn. i got lots of pretty things.=]
then. went back to kathryns.=].
i was supposed to leave around 6 but deided to stay the night.
paige came over.
we watched degrassi.
i played with andrew. who btw is such a cute baby.
paige played with make up. on our faces.lol. we put on pretty dresses.
i need neosporin...lol.
we actually slept!!!!
till ben texted kathryn at 5:58 am! lol.
and then i almost fell between the matresses. and i kicked kathryn.
and i played with andrew. and fed him
we vebtured to walmart to buy some breakfast. (corn pops) and we watched madagascar
i rocked andrew to sleep. (awwwwwwwww)
it was absolutely amazing.
i love my friends.
went to the mall with hayley and kathryn. i got lots of pretty things.=]
then. went back to kathryns.=].
i was supposed to leave around 6 but deided to stay the night.
paige came over.
we watched degrassi.
i played with andrew. who btw is such a cute baby.
paige played with make up. on our faces.lol. we put on pretty dresses.
i need neosporin...lol.
we actually slept!!!!
till ben texted kathryn at 5:58 am! lol.
and then i almost fell between the matresses. and i kicked kathryn.
and i played with andrew. and fed him
we vebtured to walmart to buy some breakfast. (corn pops) and we watched madagascar
i rocked andrew to sleep. (awwwwwwwww)
it was absolutely amazing.
i love my friends.
Current Mood: 
energetic
energeticCurrent Music: jacks mannequin E>
23 May 2007 @ 04:49 pm
oh and the fact that that whole click likes to pretend to like me but really hates me.
rofl.
i have real friends.
and if youre lucky, after tomorrow youll never have to see me again.
because i have talent in something other than because assholes like yourselves,
and i got my acceptence letter today.
so while you are all out ruining your lives and trying to ruin others,
i will be making future masterpieces.
rofl.
i have real friends.
and if youre lucky, after tomorrow youll never have to see me again.
because i have talent in something other than because assholes like yourselves,
and i got my acceptence letter today.
so while you are all out ruining your lives and trying to ruin others,
i will be making future masterpieces.
23 May 2007 @ 04:41 pm
this is not bullshit.
its called a panic attack.
it is a huge deal, because if desiree wasnt there to get me out of it,
i could have gone into shock.
the fact that my friends are sticking up for me?
im sorry im not some egotistical whore who controls everything my friends do.
that would be you.
honestly, i really hope youre happy together.
but i know she deserves better.
keep in mind karma is a bitch.
its called a panic attack.
it is a huge deal, because if desiree wasnt there to get me out of it,
i could have gone into shock.
the fact that my friends are sticking up for me?
im sorry im not some egotistical whore who controls everything my friends do.
that would be you.
honestly, i really hope youre happy together.
but i know she deserves better.
keep in mind karma is a bitch.
Current Mood: 
bitchy
bitchy20 May 2007 @ 04:18 pm
im really really done with you.
immaturity means talking shit about me.
and i sure as hell have only tried defending you.
attention seeking means having to say negative things when you know i did nothing wrong.
so who's the whore now?
but yeah,
ill live up to what you think of me.
good luck keeping your friends.
im pretty sure your ego and outspoken "opinions" will let you down soon enough.
immaturity means talking shit about me.
and i sure as hell have only tried defending you.
attention seeking means having to say negative things when you know i did nothing wrong.
so who's the whore now?
but yeah,
im pretty sure your ego and outspoken "opinions" will let you down soon enough.
Current Mood: amused
amused16 May 2007 @ 03:14 pm
i absolutely hate me.
i quit.
im done trying to be a part of the group.
im done trying to be his friend when its quite obvious he hates me.
im done trying to be myself when all i really want is to be someone completely diiferent.
----------------------------------------
also.
i hate that a certain someone cant seem to decide whether he likes me or hates me now.
peace.
make love not war.
19 days till i get to leave this crap i call my life.
i quit.
im done trying to be a part of the group.
im done trying to be his friend when its quite obvious he hates me.
im done trying to be myself when all i really want is to be someone completely diiferent.
----------------------------------------
also.
i hate that a certain someone cant seem to decide whether he likes me or hates me now.
peace.
make love not war.
19 days till i get to leave this crap i call my life.
Current Mood: fuck me sideways.
15 May 2007 @ 02:46 pm
so i reeeeally am sick of everyone saying shit.
im happy with who i am and with my friends. its not my problem if you dont like someone so stop saying shit.
i get that you guys will never be best friends, but the point is, im friends with all of youi for a reason.
im a little dissapointed that i recently lost a few friends.
you know who you are.
and there is NO reason why we arent close anymore.
it was stupid.
it never should have happened.
im sorry.
also.
dont get mad at me because i cant hang out as much anymore.
im busy with my own things.
its not because i dont like you or because im "using" you. i have things that i need to do. i cant change that.
everyone stop complaining so uch and do what you want to do. if youre asking for a sign this is it.
things will always get better. and they will always get worse. cest la vie motherfucker.
do what makes YOU happy.
stop doing things for everyone else.
calm